There were no angels that I could see, no Jesus, no Mother Mary, no Saints and no Heaven. Was I losing my mind? The attack was constant. Afterwards I knew the Lord was fighting for me and perhaps St Raphael. Unseen heavenly forces were battling forces of darkness behind my anxieties, fears and humanity. No sleep for days and no taste for food. Had it not been for the windows I had no point of reference.
Before the big operation I was recovering from a small stent operation. When this happened it was determined I needed open heart surgery immediately. Ugh!
Between operations, Camille told me this morning that I was a little bit funny before going in for the big operation.
I told my son (who had come from London) and my daughters (who came down from Maryland) in a Jersey accent, "God is making cookies in the bottom of my heart!" None of us knew what that meant but somehow it struck a chord to relieve the tension.
New Year's Eve or Day , it was time for the open heart surgery.
Afterwards I was in ICU for several days. During that time, I had a life and death fight with the enemy of my soul. It was a fight to keep faith alive. The enemy was literally trying to 'steal my faith'. More precisely, hell was trying to discredit CommunionFire. At the height of the battle I only remember one thing clearly...
I saw 3 windows.
It was brief, but this image stayed with me even after the fog cleared. Can't say that the vision was from the Lord or just a product of the anesthesia, sleeplessness and hunger. Somehow I knew the windows I saw, laying on the floor, were deposited by heaven to give me a visual anchor and a moment of peace. Can't explain it, but it happened!
The three windows were offset a bit but stacked one upon the other on the floor (not physically but in my mind's eye. Here's what I think they represented for me. Again, can't say this is from the Holy Spirit but think the Lord may be involved.
The 1st Window: was covered by a dirty haze.
It covered the windows and made it possible for light to come in but impossible to see outside. (I think this was like my life before I realized the power of God's grace and glory! When Jesus said, "It is finished!" it was! But he enemy kept the fullness of this truth from being realized. The evil one kept reimposing the Law and thereby my need to deal with sin.) Fact: Jesus already took care of that but this distraction kept me from the revelation of "Jesus full of grace and truth."
The 2nd Window: was covered by self-adhesive, plastic, faux stained glass!
It was a cheap imitation and again allowed light to come in but veiled my ability to see outside. (I think this was my life when I wasn't aware that Communion was a gift meant to bring us into a real encounter with Jesus. to really taste His love.) I may have had Communion once in awhile, but it was just a good healthy religious exercise!
The 3rd Window: was of clear glass!
This window let me me see outside! Then it opened to see without glass! (I think this is the reality that the enemy was trying to obscure with the other two. What we experience in CommunionFire is real! It is its own mission, message and ministry. We are participants. We do encounter Jesus. We do 'hear' His message - His voice. When we do it happens individually and then we share about it with each other.
I think Jesus really wants us to continue that personal relationship with Him. The moment we were born again the relationship begins. I believe now that It continues in the way He provided. "Do this to remember Me" (to "not forget about me" - to "keep our relationship going!")
He paid the ultimate price so that we could experience this miracle as often as we hunger and thirst for Him. Seek first the King and His Kingdom and everything else will be taken care of! How? Communion Where? At His Table!
While writing this post I received this unsolicited note from a friend...
"Camille lovingly, graciously rebuked my fears and doubts and said, 'Remember!' I have never met Camille-we're not even fb friends, but I love this sister through your love for her...and her love for you.
I hadn't taken communion in nearly 20 years, feeling as though I was unworthy, while that is true, I know now that it was the enemy successfully keeping me from this most intimate act of love and obedience. I began reading your posts and then your book and was moved to once again dine with my Savior.
Keep writing, Bob. You are making a difference. Love in Christ!"